Catholic Wedding Vows: The Text, the Options, and What to Expect

Couples who have been to a lot of weddings often come to their first meeting with the priest expecting to write their own vows. At a Catholic wedding they will not. The words of consent come from the Church's ritual book, the Order of Celebrating Matrimony, and the couple chooses among a few approved forms rather than composing their own.

That can feel like a loss at first, but there is something to be said for it. The promises are the same ones their parents and grandparents likely made, they are short enough to say without notes, and nobody has to compare their vows to anyone else's. This guide covers what the vows say, the forms you can choose from, how they are actually said on the day, and where your own words can go instead.

Why couples do not write their own vows

In Catholic teaching the couple are the ministers of the sacrament. The priest or deacon receives their consent as the Church's witness, but the marriage is made by the two of them, through the words they exchange. Because those words are what makes the marriage, the Church sets them. Using the approved text means there is never a question about whether both people promised the same thing: a free, faithful, lifelong union open to children.

Personal vows are not a small detail a priest can waive as a favor. If someone suggests writing your own, the honest answer is that it is not an option in the Catholic rite. There are other places in the day for those words, covered at the end of this guide.

The ritual book

The current English translation for the United States is the second edition of the Order of Celebrating Matrimony, which came into required use on December 30, 2016. You may still see older programs and websites using the earlier Rite of Marriage. The vows themselves changed very little between the two, but some of the surrounding words did, so if you are copying text into a program, make sure it comes from the current edition.

The vows come after the readings and the homily, in a part of the ceremony called the Celebration of Matrimony. It runs in four steps: the questions before the consent, the consent itself, the reception of the consent, and the blessing and giving of rings.

Step 1: The questions before the consent

The priest or deacon first asks the couple three questions, and each of them answers. The questions ask, in substance:

• whether they have come to enter into Marriage freely, without coercion, and wholeheartedly;
• whether they are prepared to love and honor each other for as long as they both live;
• whether they are prepared to accept children lovingly from God and bring them up according to the law of Christ and his Church.

These three questions match the three things the Church requires for a valid marriage: freedom, faithfulness for life, and openness to children. The rite allows the third question to be left out in some circumstances, for example when the couple are older. Your priest will know whether it applies.

Step 2: The consent, or vows

Next the priest invites the couple to join their right hands and declare their consent before God and the Church. This is the moment most people mean by "the vows." There are two forms in use in the United States.

The first form

This is the form most commonly heard at Catholic weddings in the United States. Each says to the other:

"I, N., take you, N., to be my wife [husband]. I promise to be faithful to you, in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health, to love you and to honor you all the days of my life."

The second form

The second form is the older English wording, approved for use in the United States, and familiar from many films and family weddings:

"I, N., take you, N., for my lawful wife [husband], to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part."

Both are equally valid and say the same thing. Couples tend to choose the first because it is a little simpler to say, or the second because it is the version their family knows.

Repeat after the priest, memorize, or say "I do"

Couples worry about this part more than any other, so it is worth knowing the options:

• Repeating after the priest. This is the most common approach. The priest says the vow a phrase at a time, quietly, and each of you repeats it aloud to the other. You do not need to memorize anything.
• Saying it from memory. Some couples learn the vow and say it straight through. It is lovely when it works. If you choose this, practice it at the rehearsal and agree with the priest that he will prompt you if you stall.
• The question form. The rite also allows the priest to ask the vows as questions: "N., do you take N. to be your wife?" and so on through the promises, and each of you answers "I do." This is a good fit for anyone who is anxious about speaking, or for a ceremony in two languages.

Which form, and which way of saying it, is a decision you make with your priest or deacon. Some have a strong preference. Tell him at the planning meeting so it is settled before the rehearsal.

Step 3: The reception of consent

Once both of you have spoken, the priest receives your consent on behalf of the Church. He prays that the Lord will strengthen the consent you have declared and bring his blessing to fulfillment in you, and ends with the words from the Gospel: "What God joins together, let no one put asunder."

At this point you are married. The current edition then adds a short acclamation in which the priest invites everyone to praise God, and the congregation responds. It often catches guests by surprise, so it is worth printing the response in the program.

Step 4: The blessing and giving of rings

The priest blesses the rings, and each of you places a ring on the other's finger with a short formula: "N., receive this ring as a sign of my love and fidelity. In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit." This is usually repeated after the priest as well.

In many Hispanic and Filipino families, the blessing and giving of the arras (thirteen coins) follows here, and the lazo comes later, before the Nuptial Blessing. Both are part of the approved US ritual for couples who want them; see our guide to the arras and the lazo.

After the rings come the prayers of the faithful. At a wedding Mass, the Liturgy of the Eucharist follows. At a wedding outside Mass, the ceremony moves on to the Nuptial Blessing. For the full order, see what happens at a Catholic wedding Mass and wedding Mass vs. wedding outside of Mass.

Where your own words can go

If you have things you want to say to each other in your own words, there are good places for them, and several are more personal than saying them in front of two hundred guests:

• A letter exchanged the morning of the wedding, read privately before the ceremony.
• The rehearsal dinner, where toasts are already expected and the room is smaller.
• The reception, as part of a toast or a few words before the first dance.
• The prayers of the faithful, which you can write yourselves, as long as they are prayers.
• A note in the program thanking your parents or remembering someone who has died.

Ask your priest before adding anything to the ceremony itself. Some parishes allow a short word of thanks from the couple near the end; others do not.

Putting the vows in your program

Programs often print the vows so guests can follow along, or simply note "Exchange of Consent" in the order of service. The wedding program builder lays out the full Celebration of Matrimony in the right order for a wedding within Mass or outside Mass, along with your readings and music.

For the rest of the ceremony, see the guide to wedding readings, wedding prayers of the faithful, and choosing wedding music.